Just sitting here at the bottom of the stairs…on top of The Necronomicon.
The Importance of Not Showing Off August 3, 2010
A conversation between guest contributor JG and her mother, May (who also happens to be a grandmother).
Scene: Suburbia, circa early 1980s. May has just returned home from work. A commuter, she takes the Long Island Rail Road every day. May’s teenaged daughter JG greets her at the door.
May: You, know, there was this man on the train without a hand and it was awful! I had to hide my hands the whole way!
JG: Why?
May: Well, how could I flaunt my hands when he’s missing one?
And your little dog too… July 21, 2010
My grandmother’s shameless habit of dumpster diving has netted her a motley assortment of stuffed toy animals. Included in the collection is a fat duck, an eyeless teddy bear, a grotesque clown, and several dozen doggies. I assumed her new addition was stuffed. Then the little bugger bit me.
Real (and mean).
Not real (slightly less mean).
Say it with flowers June 22, 2010
This week only! Add chocolates or a vintage walker to your order for just $19.99.*
*Offer expires June 28, 2010. Not available in Minnesota or Michigan.
Snake sold separately.
Wee Weapons May 28, 2010
In case of emergency Crusades, break glass. Also, pray for teeny, tiny opponents.
Peacock Fan May 26, 2010
In the days of yore, gigantic decorative fans were all the rage. This peacock-adorned beauty once cooled a family of six without breaking a sweat. Now it covers a large hole in the basement wall.
Grandma’s Garden May 24, 2010
Something wicked this way comes…and lives in this disgusting, makeshift pen out back.
Notes on a Phone Call May 23, 2010
Gran, circa 1950
My grandmother tends to be dramatic. And she always sounds pissed off when she answers the phone.
Gran: (angry) Hello?!!
Me: Hi, Grandma. How are you?
Gran: (dismissive) Oh. You’re still alive.
Crummy painting May 21, 2010
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes the beholder is half-blind and out of her mind.
Glassy Globe of Love May 16, 2010
Sure, diamonds are forever, but this glassy globe from 1970 has a real rose inside it! Plus, it plays the theme from Doctor Zhivago when you wind it up. Take that, shiny earth gems!
Who goes there? May 12, 2010
According to his bio, he’s “seen it all, and then some.”
That’s usually what happens when you have no eyelids.
Granny says May 10, 2010
Gran, circa 1960
Apparently my grandmother thinks I’m in a street gang, master’s degree be damned.
Gran: When I die I want you to give my jewelery to my daughter.
Me: Sure. She is your daughter, after all.
Gran: No it's not that. It's because she goes to high class places. Where you go they'll cut your throat.
Me: Why will they cut my throat?!
Gran: (incredulous) To get the necklace! They'll cut your throat for the necklace.
Me: Where on Earth do you think I go?
Gran: Where they will cut your throat for a necklace.
Milk Maid from Hell May 3, 2010
Look at me Damien! It’s all for you!
(And it’s wonderfully non-pasteurized, too!)
April 26, 2010
And all this time I assumed granny was operating an *illegal* speakeasy in the basement. Sly fox went and got herself a liquor license!
Dinner for Thirteen April 23, 2010
WWJD? Why, break some bread atop the *mantle, of course!
*mantle sold separately
Little Dude September 7, 2009
He’s only three inches tall, but believe me, he’s not “cute.” This diminutive dude bit the tail off a squirrel for no apparent reason.
Hello, Dollies! September 5, 2009
Because every saucer-eyed, gingham-clad dolly needs a creepy, buxom sidekick.
Finally, our prayers are answered!
Q: What’s cute, clever AND ironic?
A: Why, maid costumes for vacuum cleaners, of course!
Garbage out….and back in again September 2, 2009
Yesterday’s de-hoarding of my grandmother’s house yielded six garbage bags of useless and broken junk. It was a productive day; the house was slightly less stuffed with stuff, and dare I say, seemed almost airy. Progress, at last!
But not for long…
Today, we arrived at the house to find a used windbreaker, a dusty potted plastic plant, and a white wicker bookcase waiting for us on the front porch. Was the stuff somehow regenerating?! As we stood there staring in befuddlement at this new junk a cheery, middle-aged woman approached, paper bag in hand. “Oh, look at that! Perfect timing! A book case for these books,” she said, placing a bagful of paperbacks on the ground. She smiled, turned and descended the three steps to the sidewalk.
Apparently, the porch has become a dumping ground for neighbors looking to unload their own unwanted stuff. Looks like I’m gonna need more garbage bags—and a couple of yards of barbed wire.
Bull fight September 1, 2009
If you’re not already morally opposed to bullfighting, this bead and velvet homage to bullfighting will seal the deal.
Ariba! (and Salut!) August 30, 2009
Miniature sombreros atop average-sized Dean Martin videotapes. The perfect accompaniment to a three olive Martini.
Weird Stuff From My Grandmother's House 